''RED BLOODGLUCHED MERICA'' SOLDIER VS SARGE!!!!! (Team Fortress 2 VS. Red Vs Blue) pobs deadly fights

 

Soldier - Team Fortress 2 - Valve

Sarge - Red Vs Blue - Rooster Teeth

Script - Pob65 - Real Life™

BEGINNING:

It opens up in the blood gulch, we see Sarge walking over on the flat roof of the red base while carrying his trusty shotgun. He is staring over the horizon (seemingly towards the blue base)... Eventually Grif shows up alongsides him.

Grif: ''So... you called me?''

Sarge: ''Damn right i did, Numbnuts. Did you buy the binoculars i told you about?''

Grif stood there silently for a moment before responding: ''...Oh. Yeah i thought you were talking to Simmons or... well. Someone more trustworthy you know?''

Sarge mutters something under his breath while his head tilted down and shaked his head while responding: ''...Gosh Grif. you had ONE job... ONE-...

Suddenly Simmons walks up to the stairs and pops up with the binoculars: ''Sarge, Sir. I have them ready to go.''

Sarge turned around and took them proudly: ''Atta boy! Atta boy, Dick!''

Grif tried to hold his laughter from that comment while Simmons asked confusingly: ''...Wait, why Dick?''

Sarge: ''Yeah your name is Dick Simmons. Right?''

Grif then just laughed his ass off, Simmons turns over to face him and says: ''Oh yeah, yeah, very MATURE.''

...We then cut to a Red Rocket of some sorts with Soldier inside of it. one hand had a australium bar and the other a engineer toolbox... he also had a classic telephone flying around behind him as the rocket begins falling down faster and faster. a alarm is then made inside the said rocket.

in the phone we hear Engineers voice yelling out at Soldier: ''DAMNIT SOLDIER! What the heck did i tell ya about messing with my tech! you know whats teamwork son?! that rocket was meant for all of us-

Soldier then yells back at him: ''Oh ZIP YOUR LINES, GREASE MONKEY! I already have the australium! Its in the palms of my hand! its under my fingers! its-

Engi then groaned on the phone before responding: ''Ugh... FINE! just land safely and place that darn teleporter so you can be sent back home!''

Soldier: ''...One question.''

Engi: ''...whats your question?''

Soldier: ''...You dont mind if i have stolen the rockets parachutes?

Engi: ''YOU WHAT?!-

Soldier then jumped out of the rocket through the window and activates it for himself. he still has the australium and the toolbox.

meanwhile we cut to Sarge looking at the blue base with the binoculars.... before he begins to hear cheery screaming and looks to the side and sees the giant rocket crash and burn onto the ground, sending shock waves so strong it made Sarge flinch.

Sarge: ''...What the macaroon?!''

He quickly puts the binoculars over his visors again and looks at the sky and sees.... some guy slowly levitating down on the ground???

we then cut to Sarge's front view and we see Grif run up behind him, Grif asks him: ''Holy shit! what WAS that?!''

Sarge: ''...Stay and guard the base, the Orange One. I'll investigate myself.''

We then cut to Soldier who made a safe landing.. or at least as safe as it can get. he then gets the parachute off of him while putting down the toolbox. the moment he does however it quickly activates and slowly begins to turn into a teleporter.

Soldier looks around before asking himself: ''...Huh. Is this... MY GOD! A REAL BATTLEFIELD?! Hehehehe.... Wait if thats the case then where is-

then a shout is heard behind him. turning around he sees Sarge with his shotgun pointed at him.

Sarge: ''Hey! You!... Whoever or whatever or WHATSOEVER you are!... you better state your business crash landing near our base!''

Soldier slowly tilted his head down while a toothy smirk begins to spread over his face.

...we then hear Engineer on the now darkened phone yelling out in a glitchy filter: ''Soldier! You better not be dead! or Imma have to get Medic dragging your sorry-

Soldier: ''Oh i am VERY much alive, you Cow-Herding Canadian!'' He says while putting the australium in his jackets pockets.

Before Engi made sense to what he even said Soldier grabbed the phone and tossed it in the air... before taking out his shotgun and shoots the very phone into dozens of pieces. with Soldier then saying ''BOO-YAH!''

Sarge looked up and back down to Soldier before saying: ''..Huh. Not gonna lie that was actually bad ass. I almost forgot why i even walked out of my base-

Soldier says while pointing his own shotgun at him while reloading it: ''And who are YOU supposed to be, you space monkey!''

Sarge: ''...State your business and rank, soldier.''

Soldier paused for a moment... before just saying: ''....Yes.''

We cut to two silhouettes of them pointing their weaponry against eachother... 

...Eventually Sarge speaks out: ''...I respect your enthusiasm. If i had your background i would've for sure hired you for the Red team-

Soldier then screams out: ''I AM ALREADY ON RED, MAGGOT!''

FIGHT!!!!

He begins repeatedly shooting Sarge while running to each side, causing Sarge to almost lose balance before he begins shooting back at Soldier. Soldier tanked a shot per shot... eventually Sarge shot Soldiers own shotgun and breaking it in the process.... Soldier looked at his damaged gun and begins getting aggravated.

Sarge: ''...Huh. was that the Ithaca 37? Thats kinda a old model Son.

Soldier: ..Thats it! AMERICAAA!!!!!''

Soldier then takes out his iconic rocket launcher and points at Sarge.

Sarge: ''...I dont know whenever or not i should be worried by the rocket launcher facing me or where the hell were you even keeping that damn thing!''

Soldier then fires down and does a rocket jump into the sky. Sarge stared at awe....before he regains his composure and sees 3 more rockets being shot at him! Sarge narrowly jumped over to aside and dodged each one. Soldier then landed on the ground and began reloading.

Sarge: ''Ohohooo! How did you do that without turning into red mist!''

Soldier: ''Hah! simply put... you gotta be AMERCIAN!''

Soldier shoots towards Sarge once more while Sarge charges at him. he manages to narrowly dodge each 3 of them, however the moment he gets close to Soldier... he fires a fourth one and sending both parties flying. While Sarge only got knocked around a meter or 2, Soldier launches himself while losing his limbs into a cave area of the blood gulch and hit his head into the caves walls and snapping his neck in the process...

... 

however red light emanates from Soldiers corpse...

Meanwhile Sarge quickly gets back up on his feet and finds his shotgun on the ground.

Sarge takes it and chucks it before saying: ''...That guy is something else.''

He looks over to try and locate where Soldier went... just then he hears explosions, looking over his shoulder he sees Soldier landing near him before trying to manhandle him with his own shovel.

Soldier: ''I'll use this shovel to kill you.. AND THEN DIG YOU A GRAVE... and then a BIGGER GRAVE so i can kill you again!''

Sarge: ''...We'll see about THAT!''

Soldier begins to hit him repeatedly with the shovel before Sarge begins getting the upper hand after tossing his shotgun aside and gets good punches into Solider. just as Soldier swings his shovel again Sarge catches his arm and twists it, causing Soldier to scream out in pain! Sarge then kicked the stumbling Soldier and accidentally falls into the now finished Teleporter.. and well teleports away.

Sarge grabbed his shotgun and glances between the teleporter and his own base... before just sighing and marches forward to the teleporter.

Sarge: ''...Eh screw it. Im not done with that... that... ameri-maniac, yeah!!''

Sarge stepped on it... and then gets teleported.... the screen cuts black.

...It then fades back into the Red base in Dustbowl.

Sarge looked around and saw... noone. except for some texan man sleeping on a robotic chair with a mini fridge right next to him.

Sarge: ''...Where in the sam hell is that hobo hiding!''

Sarge's voice causes Engi to then wake up from his slumber.

Engineer yawns and says: ''Ah... Soldier youve came back already?- Engi cuts himself when he looked over and sees Sarge... Engi immediately Gets off of his chair and takes out his shotgun and points it at him!

Engineer: ''Now who in the sam hell are you! Answer or I'll blow that dumb look right off of your stupid face!''

Sarge: ''Uhuh.. Before you do that, you know where that hobo friend of yours went?''

Engi: ''Who, Soldier? He's here?''

Soldier then jumps out of the corner of the other side with a Beggars Bazooka and yells out: ''HEY MAGGOT! Missed me?''

Just as Engi turns around to face Soldier, Sarge hits him by the back of his head and knocking him out unconscious!... His body ragdolls in the process.

Soldier seeing what he did to his fellow teammate made him pissed: ''Oh youve done it now, Space Monkey!'' He says as he inserts 3 rockets before launching all 3 at a same time! the first fired one having a red glow. Sarge tilted his head in shock! he manages to dodge the first one but other two hit him hard and knock him back! Meanwhile the third one almost hits the teleporter! thankfully most of the explosions damage came to the wall compared to the teleporter.. which is sparking a bit.
We then cut back to the maniacs and Sarge says: ''How about you face me like a MANN!''

Soldier in respond tosses the Bazooka aside and blows on his Conqueror Banner and granting him a speed boost while rushing towards him with a frying pan, Sarge gets up and pulls out his pistol and shoots at him multiple times.

Eventually Soldier slammed his pan at Sarge's hands and making him drop it.

Soldier began getting lucky hits with his pan against Sarge's spartan armor, however Sarge dominates close combat once more and hits Soldiers chest so hard it makes Soldier drop the pan as well. while Soldier was down. Sarge then grabs his pistol however notices the shotgun is below the bridge and so Sarge jumps down to get it.... 

Sarge: ''Oh dont worry my sweet baby... i promise daddy wont drop you the third time.... Huh saying that out loud, no wonder im not cut out as a father!''

He says while taking the stairs to where he and soldier fought... however just as he gotten up he sees Soldier is already back on his feet. just as Sarge points his gun at him, Soldier then puts his fist on his palm and yelling out: 

''ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!''

Sarge: ''....What?''

Soldier: ''Rock paper scissors! come on coward!''

Sarge sighs and marches towards him.

Sarge: ''...Eh fine.''

ONE... TWO... THREE!

...Soldier does the scissors.... and Sarge just takes out his shotgun.

Soldier: ''..Wha-HEY! Thats not fair!''

Sarge: ''Sorry son, but..-

(Sarge cocks his shotgun)

Sarge continues: -Shotgun beats scissors.''

He said as he began shooting Soldier multiple times to the point Soldier goes limb and ragdolls on the ground.

Sarge stood over his body... before turning around and walking back towards the teleporter he entered from before.

Sarge: ''Hmph... well that was.. sure a anticlimactic outcome..''

Just then he stops after hearing fast foot steps... before he could turn around Soldier jumps over Sarge's back and attempts to snap his neck!

Sarge: ''What the-?!?! I thought i killed you! and... what the hell are you trying to do?''

Sarge said the last part in confusion as he walked backwards until he is directly in front of a wall.. which he then began slamming soldier against it repeatedly.

Soldier: ''Whats it look like im doing, you HIPPIE?! Im... trying... to snap... that neck of yours!''

Sarge lets out a low chuckle, then saying: ''...Son, you'd still have a hard time snapping Grif's neck.''

Eventually he makes Soldier let go, before Soldier gets his bearings Sarge snapped his neck.

Sarge: ''..Now THATS how you snap a neck!'' He says confidently while slowly turning around and storming back to the teleporter again.... however he tilts over his shoulders and his head tilts in shock.

Sarge: ''..WHAT THE-?!''

Cutting back to Soldier we see him float up slightly... before un-snapping his neck and stood back on his feet.

Sarge: ''H-HOW?!- ''

Soldier laughs maniacally while pulling out a grappling hook and shooting it to his right.. then he responds: ''You cant kill the American spirit, MAGGOT!''

Sarge: ''HE-HEY! Get back here YOU COWARD!... whats this-''

He then flies over and spams the grappling hook to get to the beginning part of dustbowl...

Soldier then mutters and continues Sarge's own dialogue: ''- guy's problem... I'll show him a coward... YEAH..!''

He then lands on the ground... and looks around and notices the MvM upgrade station replaced the check point... Soldier gets a devilish look.

Soldier: ''...Ohhhh he'll never know what hit him!''

He then rushes over and pulls out the australium out of his pockets! while ''ka-ching''  sounds were being heard... the camera trails off to the right and we see Sarge finally catched up, however in a distance...

Sarge yells out: ''Hey! Where the hell did you go? I dont got time playing hide and seek!... also you dropped your rocket launcher.... I call dibs.''

Sarge said as he kneels down and grasps Soldiers stolen rocket launcher.... that being the beggars bazooka.

Soldier then... casually walks out of the corner before facing him.

Soldier: ''Eh... I dont need it! That weapon sucked anyways!'' Soldier exclaimed.

Sarge: ''...Well alright, more power to you!... or in this case, more power to me!''

While Sarge begins loading the 3 rockets he mutters to himself: ''...Sheesh. I never seen a rocket like this one..''

And with that... He beings FIRING ALL THREE OF THEM AT SOLDIER!!!!

THE RISING STATE!

we cut back to Soldier as the 3 rockets hit him... a explosion is caused as smoke clears his area....

....then suddenly a large burst of red light gets fired at Sarge! Sarge couldnt think fast enough and gets HIT! 

he was knocked back against the wall...while his spartan armor shuts down.

Sarge: ''ugh... no....''

Soldier then walks out of the very smoke... and reveals he has ubered himself!

Soldier: "HAH! Not so tough with that armor of yours, huh?... COWARD!"

Soldier then marches forwards while he reloads his cow mangler before doing a rocket jump and slamming onto Sarge's torso with mantreads (basically boots that lets him stomp on people)

Soldier then takes out a pickaxe... before tossing it aside.

Soldier: "Nah... I'll beat you in the old fashioned way!"

We then cut to Sarges POV as Soldier beats the crap out of his head... Eventually a pop up appears with a loading bar. It says "REBOOTING SYSTEMS..."

However cutting back to Soldier's POV as we see him bruising the helmet slowly.

Soldier: "One thing your armor is good for..."

He punches again.

Soldier: "...Is that it can also be used...."

Soldier punched harder... however he began flickering.

Soldier: "AS YOUR PERSONAL COFFIN!!!"

He laughs, just as he did the finishing blow... he turned back to normal. He looked over his hand and sees he broke all of his fingers.

Soldier: "....DAMN IT!"

Soldier groaned as he stepped back and examined his hand.

...However Soldier pauses as he hears a robotic voice behind him say: "SYSTEMS REBOOTED"

Just as Soldier turns around, Sarge kicked him onto his groin and made him stumble.

Sarge eventually got on his feet and snatches the pickaxe he tossed aside.

Soldier looked up and sees his beloved weapon and says: "...HEY! Thats MINE escape plan!"

Sarge: "...Welp. I guess you shouldve made a plan B. And just in case THAT fails, a plan B of the plan B!"

He said as he stabbed onto Soldiers and kicks his body away.

Soldiers body eventually fell... however while he's down Sarge looks over and sees his beloved shotgun on the ground.

Just as he picks it up... he hears someone else cock their own gun.

Sarge looked up and sees Soldier is already up and holds a panic attack (...the gun).

Sarge: "...Ugh... gotta admit that was one heavy beating..."

Soldier: "And there'll be more than where that came from, Space Hippie!"

Sarge: "Hippie?!...If i were a hippie i wouldn't have even joined a army! I would not have fought the dirty BLUES!.. Though i have to admit, they arent that bad-

Soldier: ''AHA! Sounds like hippie behavior to me!''

...They began bickering like toddlers. You almost dont hear something drive by or some metallic door opening and closing.

Soldier: "Oh YEAH!? In that case youre a space commie!"

Sarge: "...Youre.. also wearing red. Are you colorblind by chance, son?"

Soldier: "IM NOT COLORBLIND! A colorblinded person wouldnt know... THE FLAG OF USA IS BLUE, WHITE AND BEAUTIFUL MARVELOUS RED!"

Sarge: "...Huh. Okay you got me there."

Both men began pulling the triggers...

....

....Both men get headshotted by unwanted teammates.

Simmons yelled out in concern: "SIR!"

Meanwhile Sniper says under his breath: "Aw bugger...!"

Both of them then began trying and failing to headshot eachother while Soldier comes back to life again and Sarge slowly starts getting up and pulls the bullet out of his visor.

...Suddenly Sarge and Soldier began yelling at them once theyve gotten up their feet.

We cut to Sarge and Simmons.

Sarge: "SIMMONS?! What in the sam hell are you doing here!"

Simmons: "O-Oh! Sir! Youre okay! Yeah i thought youve needed backup-

We then cut to Soldier and Sniper.

Soldier: "Well i dont need any help! Especially not from a dirty camper like you!"

We cut back to Sarge and Simmons.

Sarge: "Didnt i tell you thats a cowards weapon, son?"

Back to Soldier and Sniper.

Soldier: "When you kill your enemy, you wanna LOOK HIM IN THE EYES!"

...Back to Sarge and Simmons.

Sarge: "-So he knows you're the one who beat him to death!"

Simmons: "Oh... Uhm yeah sorry sir, i'll uhh... Yeah imma go now."

Sarge: "Yeah, Move it!... dick."

He then storms back to where he came from... While Simmons wasnt on screen...

We then cut back to Soldier and Sniper.

Sniper took his hat and waves it angrily as he says: "Ya know what? This is the last time im saving your sorry ass, WANKER!"

Sniper turns around and storms off while hawking and spitting on the ground.

...We then cut back to Sarge.

Just then Simmons pops his head over one more time

Simmons: "Eh... When you said dick, did you mean my name? Or...-

Sarge: "GO BACK TO THE BASE, MAGGOT!"

Simmons then stormed off for good as red light flickers in the background.

Soldier and Sarge stared at eachother for a moment.. before they began shooting while navigating each of their bullets!

Soldier: "Hah! Great minds think alike, eh?"

Sarge: "Oh i agree!"

Soldier: "Yeah...You know you seem like a nice man to have a cold one with... Too bad youre dead to me!"

Sarge: "Ohh took my words right out of my mouth!... speaking of mouths, i dont know whenever or not i should be mad at.. or respect how youve beaten the crap out of me back there! knocked my baby tooth out like that!- ugh.. yuck i think i've swallowed it!"

Soldier: "Hah, yeah...."

...

Soldier paused for a moment... before tossing the panic attack away

Soldier: "OH YEAHHH!

He pulls out the cow mangler.. again and starts reloading it. Seemingly planning on stunning him again.

Sarge: "Oh no you dont!" He yells out as he charges forwards and kept shooting him and yelling out: "CHAARGE!!!"

We cut to Soldiers POV as he charges up the mangler while Sarge is already in front of him... Sarge then puts his shotgun aside as both of them tug and pull between the mangler while Soldier tries to aim it at Sarge...

Eventually Sarge began overpowering and having it slowly point away from him.. however Soldiers having none of that! And so he began aiming it downwards, planning to blow both of them!

Sarge: "Are you insane?!"

Soldier: "Haha! Yes!"

Sarge: "...Bad. Ass."

...However Sarge doesnt have any of it and used his pistol and shot at soldiers chest... once?

 at the last second he kicks the mangler off of him and quickly jumped away.

Soldier: "Any last words, Maggot!"

Sarge: "Yeah... So how the hell do you keep coming back from the dead!? Is there a limit???"

Soldier... paused for a moment. Before just replying: "...No."

Sarge: "Aha! You hesitated! So there IS a limit!"

Soldier: "what- N-No! NO! I didnt hesitate!"

They began bickering like kids...

Just as Soldiers gonna fire at Sarge (whos laying on his back)... KABOOM! He explodes into pieces!... meanwhile the cow mangler lands on the ground and auto fires. and blasts onto the building near them. Causing it to shatter... as it turns out Sarge shot the pin of one of Soldiers grenades.

As Sarge starts getting up and pulling out his shotgun... Soldier respawns in front of him.

Soldier: "Ah great... what did i miss-

Sarge kicks Soldier away from him while shooting him multiple times. Causing Soldier to be pinned against the metallic wires. He glances over and sees the Cow Mangler is still on the ground-

A chunk of the build falls and destroys it.

Soldier: "...SON OF A BITCH!"

Sarge: "...Welp. There goes your only way to result in victory." He cocks his shotgun.

Soldier: "Only way you'll ever take away my victory is if you pry it from my cold dead hands! Even then have fun my ghost haunting your ass!"

Sarge: "Oh yeah?! Well you'll have to pry MY victory from my WARM dead hands! Which would just be my body being buried near molten lava!"

As Sarge finishes talking he glances up and began dodging the small debris, the blast seemingly damaged a part of the fort.

Soldier meanwhile looked aside and flops into his stash spot... then he jumps out and carries basically all of his unlockable weapons.

Sarge, while the debris slown down notices Soldier with all of the weaponry and says: "...Crazy son of a bitch!"

...And with that, we have a montage of Sarge getting hit by Soldiers weaponry... and either Soldier accidentally killing himself or Sarge himself killing him. The montage is also in a orange, dark and yellowish-white color theme, imitating how the taunt icons look.

We see Soldier shooting at Sarge with a Direct Hit and Sarge barely dodging the rockets...

We then see Sarge tossing a piece of a debris just as Soldier equips The Classic... causing the rocket to close directly at him and killing him in the process....

We then see Soldier smacking Sarge's ass with the Disciplinary Action... aka a whip that grants him a speed boost... also Sarge tries to snatch that darn whip away from him!

We then see Sarge snatching Soldiers sword and stabs it right into him...  And getting healed in the process? with Sarge then commenting: "Huh. Is it me or do i feel slightly rejuvenated?"

We then see Soldier trying to cast another spell from the spell book... but suddenly stops. Almost like he realized something..

 

Soldier "Wait... is it not Halloween?"

Sarge: "Have youve been living under a rock?-

Soldier: "Yes."

Sarge: "Oh.. Well its 4th of the July."

Soldier gasps and drops the book while saying with joy: "...Wait REALLY?! Oh my god... Im getting the firewo-

Sarge blown Soldiers head open and killing him once more.

Sarge said in a sing-along tone: "And a happy new yeaaaar!!!"

Just as Sarge had his turned, Soldier comes back once more however crouched down, he quickly notices a sign near by and takes it while having a toothy grin and smacks Sarge right back on the head! (referencing meet the soldier) Sarge then backed off and held his head a bit.

Sarge: ''OW!... Alright i deserve that one.''

 however just as Sarge held his fist up for yet another melee duel... he held his hand against his visor almost like he's gonna puke.

Sarge: "Oh god... thats disgusting..."

Soldier... looking confused, examined the sign himself as horror music is played, and to his shock....... he sees the Peace Sign is sprayed onto it.

Soldier: "Ugh...This must've been Pyros... Stupid hippies!"

Soldier breaks and tosses the sign away... 

we then see Soldier stepping on a bag of coffee beans while drinking coffee out of a mug.

Sarge lowers his gun and asks: ''...Hey can i have some?''

Soldier: ''Sure thing maggot!'' and spills it all over his visor! sarge steps back while trying to wipe it off. As he does this Soldier grabbed the bean bag and spins around before hitting it across Sarge's head!

We then see Soldier pull out a bunch of explosives.

Soldier: "Say... wanna see a magic trick?!"

Sarge: ''Shouldnt we keep fighting-...on second thought sure.''

Soldier  then began juggling bunch of explosives. Sarge eventually began cheerfully clapping as he does so.

However... Soldier accidentally fucks up and trips, causing the explosives to... well... KA-BOOM!!!!!

The explosion breaks the montage... And also breaks more of the Red fort. Furniture and wood and metal fall down.

Sarge and Soldier are both deep in their breaths as they slowly began getting up...

Sarge: "...What the hell... is the magic trick?"

Soldier: "Are you blind?! I made the bombs disappear!

Sarge: "Ugh... forget it. Boy howdy am I gonna feel all of that tomorrow... God, if youre out there... give me strength already you greedy bastard!"

Soldier: "Oh PLEASE! If God wanted you to live, he wouldn't have created ME!" He says while pointing at himself with his thumb.

Sarge: "...I'd believe that. So got any more options, Civilian?"

Soldier grits his teeth angrily... before a large piece of metal fall down and blocks Sarge's view of Soldier.

Sarge still held his guard up.. while dodging random crap falling on him.

Just then... Soldier flies up in the air! He has equipped the Rocket Jumper.

Soldier: "Say your prayers!"

THE MIDDLE STATE

Soldier rocket jumped on the falling debris mid-air, while Sarge is tries to navigate through the different furniture, Soldier slams his shovel down onto Sarges head! Sarge groaned loudly, before Sarge could grab him Soldier rocket jumped off of Sarge's torso. The men kept fighting while using the environment the best they could.

Soldier distracting Sarge while unnoticed debris hits him, Sarge tossing them at Soldier whenever he flies up, even Sarge shooting Soldier while Soldier tries to hide whatever remains to aid him.

Eventually Soldier then landed on the ground with Sarge charging, however the moment he decides to strike... a bucket falls on his headgear.

Sarge (muffled): ''Huh? Who turned off the sun?''

Soldier: ''Nope, even better, its my bucket!''

He tries to take it off but it seems to be stuck, Soldier takes the opportunity to repeatedly hit him over the head! Eventually he randomly crits and causes the bucket to break open. However Sarge still feeling dizzy tries to maintain balance while dealing with this crazed Soldier.

Sarge: ''...Damn it! Im getting back up!''

He then turns on his radio... and only met with static.

Sarge: ''Simmons? Donut?... Anybody thats not Grif?.''

He then gets someone.... and all he hears are muffles?

Sarge: ''..Hello? uhh.. who am i speaking to?-

Soldier then came back once more and rocket jumped towards Sarge! However Sarge ducks down just in time and makes Soldier slam himself against the ground... Pyro was still on the radio.

Sarge: ''Alright, plan B of the plan B. Returning to my own world.''

Sarge then hopped onto the shortcut to the Red respawn and ran towards the teleporter.

Sarge: ''And can you quiet down already?! I dont speak Spanish, what makes you think i'd speak muffling noises!''

.. however the moment he steps in he feels something on his back. turning around he sees Soldier has launched his grappling hook onto him.

Soldier: ''...Your world?''

He then screams as he pulls himself towards Sarge... the screen flickers to red and black as they then teleport back to Blood Gulch. They rolled over until Soldier got on top of Sarge and beats him with the shovel  (which is the Market Gardener).

Soldier: ''Every world is MINE world! And youre not welcome in any of them!''

 Eventually Sarge gets on top of HIM and beats the crap out of him, similarly to what Soldier before. Eventually Soldier spat blood all over Sarge's visor before kicking him off of him, causing Sarge to back off of Soldier and try to wipe this blood off! Which gives Soldier enough time to get back on his feet and start rocket jumping again.

Sarge: ''Ugh... this is a dirty move!.. literally''

Soldier then lands behind him, both are in a very good distance.... then Sarge slowly turns around and reveals he has stolen Solders second grenade! Soldier checked over his chest, and yep, no more.

Sarge: ''Lets negotiate! You go back in that darn fort of yours and in return i wont destroy your only way back home!'' he yells out in the distance.

Soldier: ''Hah! I'd like to see you try, maggot!''

Sarge didnt expect him to deny it that quickly... but he keeps up with his word and unpins the grenade and tosses it towards the teleporter entrance!.... only for the grenade to bounce off of the teleporter and land somewhere near rocks.

Soldier laughed in the distance while Sarge just says annoyingly: ''Aw come on! it was right there!''

and then the grenade exploded... the mountains began to shake as boulders began falling near the teleporter! and then.. ONE SMASHES RIGHT ONTO IT!

Sarge: ''AHA! I... definitely intended for that to happen!-

...the boulder that ''smashed the teleporter'' rolls off aside and reveals it just fell in front of it.

Sarge quickly follows up his previous claim: ''-Which is something i would've said if i didn't have my trusty shotgun to just-

then a earthquake occurs and a large crack opens up and swallows the teleporter. we see the teleporter fall right onto the underground below the Blood Gulch's surface and which the teleporter can be heard being smashed into dozens of pieces.... Sarge then follows up THAT follow up claim: ''-...to not do anything because i also intended the crack to open up!''

Sarge then turns around and faces Soldier who quieted down.

Sarge: ''Well i tried to warn you. I guess we'll be digging you your 134th grave in here because now youre trapped!

Soldier stood still at first... but slowly began maniacally laughing again!

Sarge then tried to remain cool and awkwardly laughs as well: ''Heheh...eh?... Whats so funny? is it something on my face- Oh right my face is covered in your blood. Which is just a more MANNly... yet disturbing version of a makeover.''

Soldier: ''Im not the one trapped here with you...''

He says as he began reloading his rocket jumper.

Soldier: ''...Youre the one trapped here with ME!''

He then proceeds to jump up high... the sun casting him his silhouette... And with that the fight continues.

Sarge shoots at him while Soldier began landing... which then leads to Soldier smacking Sarge's head with the shovel and making him stumble back! before Sarge could regain balance, Soldier rocket jumps and stomps on his head before rocket jumping off of his said head! However Soldier takes a break and pulls out his parachute to reload.

Sarge then gets up and says: "God damn... I've havent had such workout since i had to go through the Bars of Harm!... which is just monkey bars for grown ups."

Just as he's about to call someone on his radio... He notices the Warthog.

Sarge: "...Maybe not yet."

Cutting back to Soldier he then puts the parachute away and lands onto the ground. Just as he's about to rocket jump once more... He began getting bombarded with bullets! Soldier looking over he sees Sarge using the turret of the Warthog against him!

Soldier: "You think some race car is gonna put me down for good?! You must be getting desperate!" He yells out while trying to rocket jump away.

Sarge: "Look whos talking!" Sarge says as he manages to kill Soldier mid-air. Alongside the rocket jumper being tossed inside a cave.

As Soldiers body is limp... Sarge began spamming the turret each time Soldier tried to come back. Insta killing before his HP even started to grow!

Sarge: "Hahah... this is almost as fun as Grif ball!"

Just as he was having fun with Soldier's ragdoll... He eventually overshot it into the cave (which is behind a rock)

Sarge: "...Whoops. Well I've over done it... Might as well play the waiting game. Which is also the only game Grif's good at."

Sarge says as he kept the turret pointed at where Soldier was sent to.

Meanwhile cutting back to Soldier...

He lost his helmet as he came back to life once more... As he got on his hands and looked up... he sees....

Soldier: "....George Washington?"

???: "Heh... close, son."

The mysterious figure puts Soldiers helmet back on him and patted him twice on the head.

"Its me, Abraham Lincoln! Im the 16th President of America... also im the inventor of stairs."

He said calmly.

AL: "At first i thought rocket jumping was too chaotic... but after my death i now truly realize why Shakespearicles loves them... well aside of being the inventor of them, theyve been more than a useful transport..."

Soldier: "Dear god...-

AL: "I know its hard to believe.. OH but theres more, Doe! You see youve been my favorite American since you were a sperm cell! which is why im gonna help you!"

LC: "You see... Your pills have ran out. So Im giving you one last chance! Im gonna give you my strength!... And my permission to use the spellbook."

"..George Washington never lost. Jesus never lost. Patton never lost."

"If victory's good enough for those war heroes, its damn well good enough for you!"

''After all, your friends... your family...''

''They're all waiting for you! And you alone!''

''So get up.''

''Get up and kick some asses.''

...

...

Soldier yells out! 

The moment he grabbed his hand, it transitions back to reality, Abraham's hand replaced by the Rocket Jumper he once dropped.

We then cut to Sarge, the yelling grabbing his attention once more.

Sarge: ''Aw... dang it! I thought for sure I've gotten you that time!... Okay maybe not.''

As Sarge tries to shoot Soldier down once more... Soldier seems to be narrowly dodging the bullets this time while mid-air! He keeps opening and sealing the parachute.

Eventually Soldier jumped around Sarge and behind the available sides the turret could shoot him.

Just as Sarge looked over his shoulders... BLAM! Soldier dashes through and slams his head! before Sarge could grip the back of his head, Soldier rocket jumped off of a boulder and Market Gardens once more!

Sarge then jumps off of his Warthog and attempts to shoot him down with his trusty shotgun but to no avail!

We have a montage of Sarge trying and failing to hit Soldier while Soldier succeeds! A parallel to the previous montage... however shorter.

However... Eventually Sarge gets a lucky shot and hits him in the chest!... Soldier gasped for air... before rocket jumping off of Sarge once more! However reaching higher than before.

As Soldier activates his parachute and began taking a breather...

Just then...while Soldier is in the air he takes out a magic Spellbook!

Soldier then laughs maniacally as he begins unleashing random spells! fireballs, pumpkin bombs, meteors falling and hitting the base, even a large Monoculus!

Sarge was in awe... Before he gets down and narrowly dodges the attacks! when suddenly a ball of energy then gets sent near him and attempts to suck him in! It even sucked away Sarge's weapons! We see Sarge navigate through the debris, meteors even Monoculus' projectiles while succeeding in getting away from the energy! Eventually just as the energy ball disappears, Sarge took a breather... only for Soldier to fire a fire ball near Sarge which causes him to be shot out of the sky. While mid-air the Monoculus combos Sarge with its projectiles... Before it could continue a bomb was thrown behind it and explodes in the process. This also catches Soldiers attentions as The Monoculus stops and lets Sarge fall for real this time and turns around and sees the rest of the Red Team!

Simmons: ''Hey! Thats our leader youre shooting at!''

Grif: '' Also nice throw, Donut!''

The Monocule then narrows down its... well entire eye or body before it flies and shoots towards them.

Grif: ''Oh my Cheetos! RUN!'' He yells out as they rush back into the red base while a large ass eye keeps shooting around it. While inside we can hear Simmons reply: ''...First time hearing that from you, Grif.'' With Grif replying: ''Oh fuck off!''

While Soldier was still distracted...One of his own (yet smaller) meteorites hit his spellbook off of his hands!

Soldier: ''OW!... Damn it!''

Said Spellbook falls right onto the cracked hole where the teleporter was and loses it in the process.

Soldier just kept speeding up faster and faster! with it knocking on Sarge's head harder and harder.

We then cut to Sarge gripping his head while realizing he landed right next to his Warthog and proceeds to get into the drivers seat.

Sarge: ''Ugh... I think that giant eyeball damaged my radio... Damn it all i need higher ground!''

Sarge then proceeds to drive off ..

Cutting back to Soldier whos reloading 3 rockets... However realizes something.

Soldier says under his breath: ''....Damn it! ...Gotta make it count!'' 

Meanwhile Sarge Eventually began driving up to a cliff, he then jumps over in the back of the Warthog and then proceeds to aim at Soldier again!... While Soldier has his back turned at him.... While the Warthog is still driving. However instead of aiming AT Soldier, he aims it at his parachute! Soldier quickly notices him falling down faster and faster... Soldier turns around while shooting 2 rockets besides mountains to get high again.

Soldier yells out angrily: ''CHEATER!''

Sarge yells back: ''Actually, I think this is all well and balanced!'' and proceeds to shoot down Soldier.

As the bullets push Soldier towards a mountain... he shoots his one last rocket behind him which launches himself towards Sarge.

THE CLIMAX!

Speaking of Sarge, he JUST realizes it might be a bad idea to leave a vehicle drive off of a cliff! and so he stops using the turret and leans down towards the drivers seat door... but then... he hears and feels something grip! Looking over he sees a Grappling Hook has grabbed onto the front of the Warthog. Looking over he sees Soldier has a toothy grin up on his face again. One hand holding and using the Grappling Hook, and other wielding the Market Gardener higher. Soldier then yells out: ''I'll make sure to steal your helmet as a TROPHY!''

Sarge: ''...You know what?''
 

Sarge was hesitant at first... but then he moved those red metallic hands back on the damn turret and starts shooting again! While he does this he yells out: ''TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!!!''

We then see a side shot of the Warthog driving off of the end of the ramp and getting sent UP while gunning down Soldier!

Meanwhile Soldier activates a another Power Up Canteen... and has the Market Gardener shine red! and with that he then pulls himself DOWN with the Grappling Hook!

Sarge screams in determination while Soldier is having the last laugh!

Both men stare down at eachother... as they look at their enemy in their eyes...

...

The screen cuts to black as we hear something metallic being hit.

...it then cuts to the ground and we see the Warthog fall down and explodes... as the smoke began taking over the screen it transitions closer. We see Soldier's helmet roll off... before it flops down near Sarge's headgear. (the helmet is on the right and Sarge's helmet on left)


...

...

...


We then see... through the smoke... Soldiers hand gripping Sarge's headgear?!?! 

Just as smoke clears out even further..... it turns out...

it was amputated. and on Sarge's boot. We hear Sarge say grudgingly: ''Ugh... gross...'' and kicks the arm off before leaning down.

We cut to his crouched back and putting his headgear back on and stood up while one of his arms grip his chest plate.

Sarge: ''...Youre not dead. Youre gonna come back aaaany second now...''

He stood there awkwardly... before continuing: ''AHA! see?!... Oh. No youre GONE gone...''

Sarge then does a salute with his free hand and says: ''Godspeed you magnificent bastard!.... Godspeed....''

K.O.

Sheesh... that sure was messy.... And that'll probably have a mob kill me, so before they do, here are the categories that each take!

Starting with......

BASE SPEED - Sarge takes Base Speed, Sarge managed to catch up with a Warthog and snatch his shotgun while at it! Halo's Warthog's fastest speed is 125 KM- uhhh... 77.6714 miles, yes. Soldier doesnt even reach near that, not even with the escape plan! (which reaches him from 17.5848 to around 24.8548 miles.) However Sarge even dodged lasers so his reaction speed could be even faster!... However Soldier also dodged similar lasers in his time, so i suppose the reaction speeds should be close to match one and other.

MOBILITY - HOWEVER!... One thing Soldier has over Sarge's Warthog is mobility.... What do i mean by that? Simply put thanks to the Rocket Launcher!!! With right timing and right movement Soldier can get up to 93.2057 miles or higher! Which basically beats Sarge's Warthog speed feat. And lets ALSO also not forget the trusty Grappling Hook! giving him even further mobility options!

BATTLE IQ / CLOSE RANGE - Now THIS is where things get interesting! Sure Soldier can do crazy stuff and taught himself how to rocket jump or even snap peoples necks and being a effective mercenary... However Sarge had ACTUAL training! Yeah he was able to knock Tex down (though to be fair she was distracted), even matched with the freelancer Washington! (Even if you argue he needed his teammates, the fact he planned it shows off his resilient intelligence... He even built Lopez the Heavy, turned Simmons into a cyborg and used some chunks of Simmons' flesh and stitched them into Grif so he doesnt die).... Meanwhile the smartest thing Soldier ever planned or did was... well... trying to be a lawyer (key word: trying) so if it came down hands to hands or hands to whatever melee soldier carries, Sarge would turn him into a red mist thanks to the Spartan Armor!.. that being said Sarge's still a nut case, so he could probably screw up a couple of times.

WEAPONS/ LONG RANGE - Soldier without a doubt takes it. Soldier has a BUNCH of unlockable weapons! we're talking rockets, shotguns, melees, parachute, boots, even Banners! Meanwhile Sarge was mainly seen with his trustworthy Shotgun, Pistol and the Warthog (which was able to smash through concrete walls), hell i'd say even if we only gave Soldiers stock weapons alone, it'd be a 3 > 2. Hell he even could temporarily disable Sarge's spartan armor with the Cow Mangler 5000! And yes all of the rocket launchers can be even used afar! Doesnt help Sarge prefers fighting up close... Oh yeah and Soldier has a Spellbook thats able to keep Sarge on his pinky toes! Like shrinking himself and making himself a harder target or turning invisible or etc.

DURABILITY - Now this right here gives Sarge the solid victory! Sure both Sarge and Soldier have crazy endurance, like a big pain tolerance with a sliced off hand, or Sarge running out of water and survived off ketchup or etc, hell even Soldier fought off a bear, and Sarge being able to defeat Wyoming!... But in the face of durability? Sarge should be able to take every weapon Soldier throws at him! 

Hell even Soldiers magic spells alone wouldnt be able to take him out.. However at best they can keep Sarge at bay.

You see... Sarge survived a 10 megaton bomb, being buried 6 feet under and even tanked a MAC cannon shot! Meanwhile the best thing Soldier survived is the yeti, demos or his own explosives, even fireballs! as to why i still gave Soldier the ability to come back to life?... the thing is we've never really see it work, unknown whenever or not the writers forgot about that plot detail but regardless its still there.

We can only make assumptions about it, maybe working similarly to Merasmus' boss fights, where he comes backs stronger and all that...Though even thats a bit messy given Merasmus has been shown to DIE die and became a ghost, so the pills' effects can disappear over time or Sarge just has to kill him endlessly... yeah if its one to one with Merasmus, Sarge could one shot him each time his hp grows a single inch until it runs out.

as for why i included the pills still?.... cool factor, duh.... and also also Soldier could DIE die early on. The durability gap is that massive!

Anyways its as the old saying goes...

Roses are Red, and Soldier is dead, as hes been Sarge'd ahead.

The winner is:

COLONEL SARGE!!!!!!!!

(Alright and that should conclude season 1 of Pobs Deadly Fights! Gotta say I've had fun writing these. And im glad you pal even read this one or any of them! My writing has been growing throughout. And with that I'll be moving onto the next season. Thanks for reading! Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!)